Insight and Out (Part 3)

HA! I got the number right this time! Take zat, ADHD!

I also feel I should mention that for the most part the disclaimer on part 1 of this particular barrage of posts applies universally. Better safe than sorry, neh?

New page today, for the sake of I don’t know what but hey! who cares. Anyway, so I was talking to my therapist yesterday and he and I discussed that the interesting thing likely brought on by Asperger’s Syndrome or possibly OCPD is that I have a borderline obsession with predictability. If I know for absolute certain (insofar as that is possible in the first place, which isn’t saying a whole heck of a lot) what to expect, I’m usually fine. That said, a lot of times I get nervous about things because I’m not entirely sure what to expect and paranoia takes over.

    For example, last Wednesday was an all-employee meeting at my workplace, a pizza restaurant. That wasn’t horrible initially, since I had gone to one of those the preceding summer and so knew roughly what was going to happen. However, last time I had been the only person to wear my uniform to the meeting (it was pretty informal). Therefore, this time I was going to wear whatever clothes I wanted on account of I had an expectation.

    It went pretty badly. No, nobody else was wearing their uniform who hadn’t just come off a shift at the restaurant, but even so, the entire drive over I was borderline panicking on account of the thought had occurred to me that maybe this time there was an understanding that this time everyone would wear their uniforms. Maybe in the memo I had missed the line that said everyone had to wear uniforms and I would get in trouble with my boss for not showing up in it.

    As stated previously, all was well anyway, proving my anxiety unfounded. That didn’t stop me from being anxious while it was happening, although at times I have been capable of recognizing that I’m stressing out over something that likely doesn’t need stressing out over. At these times I can look back to earlier occasions when I’ve gone into something not knowing everything there is to know about the situation and come out alright, or even better than before it had happened. I usually can then make a pretty confident estimate that the same thing will apply, that the sky isn’t falling and will in all likelihood stay right up there where it belongs.

    However, this is relatively rare compared to episodes of simple anxiety that don’t resolve themselves with reflection, and it also happens to get in the way of me getting organized and my interactions with my parents. A lot of the time I don’t bother really planning out what I’m going to do in advance very much because I have a difficult time sticking to it (which is really my fault for failing to be diligent) and because events beyond my control tend to interfere.

    Because of this most of my plans tend to encompass at most a day. And even then they’re pretty rough and tend to be subjected to change. For example, last Thursday I had everything planned out. I was going to play Skyrim for a couple hours after returning home, then I was going to do my homework while I was watching Big Bang Theory and hanging out with my family. It didn’t quite work out that way.

First of all, during my prescribed game time I was interrupted numerous times with requests to spend less time on the computer, feed the dogs, do the dishes, and talk about things. Every time this happened I was irritated, because it wasn’t in my schedule and made me feel like I was losing precious daylight in my plans. Then something awful happened…Big Bang Theory wasn’t on that day. That nearly shattered my plans for everything. I felt like hitting something until it died or broke or whatnot.

This whole desire for predictability has given me and my therapist some good insights into why I like video games so much. In a video game, X event almost always reliably leads to Y. If it doesn’t, it leads to one of a set list, for example actions A, B, or C. Especially if you’ve read the wiki or watched videos about the game on Youtube, you automatically know what’s going to happen. There is next to no unpredictability about the whole thing, and you can reasonably expect that what happens next will not completely upset your plans. Unless, of course, you’re playing Dwarf Fortress or playing against other humans, but in DF I at least can hedge my bets by building extensive fortifications and an advanced military and playing against other humans I can find a different server if I don’t like what I find on the first one.

Alright, so I’ve been talking a lot about how I get angry. One of the primary reasons that I get angry lately is that me and my dad in particular and my family in general tend to disagree on what is the proper amount of time to spend on the computer, specifically playing video games or performing related leisure tasks. As far as I’m concerned I can be on the computer all I flipping well please so long as it doesn’t adversely affect my school performance.

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2 thoughts on “Insight and Out (Part 3)

  1. Someone asked me what your definition of your school work being adversely affected. How can you tell if it is or isn’t? I really want to hear what your thoughts are (I’m not mad and you’re not in trouble!! 🙂 )

    • My definition of adverse effects would be a demonstrable decrease in grades/assignments being turned in. Of which there hasn’t been one. ‘course, one may argue that we don’t have all the necessary data required to make that call yet seeing as my gaming rig has been on the fritz this entire year so far, but yeah. Despite my current science grade it isn’t really all that different from what had happened before – it’s just that last semester the grade was buoyed by my early-year success.

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