Insight and Out (Part 5)

This next bit concerns my feeling unfairly blamed for something and was at least partly written, since I knew my parents were going to read it, along the lines of an accusation. It also tends to talk about how my parents and I would continuously battle over seemingly minor issues purely because of poor communication and mutual misunderstanding, up to the point where if I recall rightly I ended up staying home from school purely out of mental stress overload.

Unfortunately, this morning I had a slight…”altercation” with my parents. My mother wanted everyone to help her out with the preparation of a meal in the crockpot. To this end my brother and dad were placing all manner of ingredients in said crockpot. However, they couldn’t find the lid. Naturally, as I’m the one in charge of doing all the dishes, including putting them away, I was instantaneously the prime suspect, much to my dismay.

Never mind the fact that it was entirely possible that the lid had been moved by somebody since it had been put away originally, never mind the fact that we had a second lid, because by golly we had to have the one and if I didn’t know where it was exactly on a moment’s notice then it was me who was going to be in trouble for it. This was a problem, particularly when my dad said he’d turn off the Internet until the dish in question was located.

This caused quite an issue with me; from my point of view the loss of the dish wasn’t my fault and at any rate who knew how long it would take me to find the blasted thing, so why was I the one being punished? My parents responded with the point that if I’d just put it where it belonged in the first place this wouldn’t be an issue. Well, unfortunately it was vividly apparent to me that someone (and when I say someone I of course mean my younger brother, not just because he’s a convenient scapegoat but because I can conceive of him doing something like this) else could have moved the dish whilst looking for something else, could have misplaced it while doing the dishes for me, but never mind that.

Then, when I got angry and started off on my accusations of my parents asserting that every word coming out of their mouths is automatically correct because The Bible (which is not a valid excuse, I don’t care what you say about it.) The simple fact of the matter is that saying that they’re right because of Divine Right of Kings does not fly with me, whether it’s because of my Asperger’s, OCPD, or ADHD I have no clue but the point is it doesn’t.

What’s more, my parents tend to (it might be ODD) insist on their right to play God as opposed to offering a reasonable explanation. Of course, whether or not I consider an explanation reasonable often hinges on whether it benefits me or agrees with me, but a lot of times they don’t even offer an explanation, it’s just “I’m the parent so listen.” Unfortunately, though I’ve a cognitive grasp of what that signifies, I simply cannot seem to accept that as an answer.

So anyway, continuing on with this morning’s exercise, my dad then started talking about what I thought of myself, along the lines of “maybe you should think, ‘oh, I’m clearly wrong here because I have no right to do this kind of stuff’” etc. etc. and I think I deserve a commendation for not taking the bait there and saying “why yes, yes you are clearly wrong here.” in an uncommon display of good judgment, common sense and sangfroid not often found in such a specimen as me.

I begin to suspect that I am not actually in control of these things; regardless of the effort I put into improving relationships with my parents or improving my daily scores I cannot seem to improve them. At all. I had a fan-flipping-tastic day yesterday and I got a four*. Out of ten.

Then there’s the anxiety brought on by the fact that my parents are planning to take each consequence up a notch if my scores don’t improve. Well, I hate to break it to you, but I CAN’T SEEM TO IMPROVE IN THIS AREA. Or maybe the problem really is with you and your parenting style but either way, you can provide all the punishment (yes, I know you insist on the term discipline but I’m speaking from a psychological point of view here so punishment is indeed the correct term; I got a four on my AP Psych test so I know this kind of thing.) you like but if I’m fundamentally and simply incapable of producing the desired results it ain’t gonna work and all it will do is cause endless anxiety for me, probably for you lot as well and likely will result in fried relations all the way around.

Something must be done. Flipping hell.

*This referring to the system we were using then, whereby I got scored based on a system of Attitude, Balance and Productivity. There may be more on this later but at the moment I’m planning on finishing Insight and Out


2 thoughts on “Insight and Out (Part 5)

  1. The more I read the more I realize how much your “insights” match up with things the Asperger Experts guys talk about. Wow! Thanks for doing this, Jeff. Reading those a second time is really helping me.

  2. I have started looking forward to reading your posts every day! You are such an eloquent writer with a gift for presenting your story so the reader feeks like they are immersed in the middle of the situation. I feel like a have a real sense if your anger and frustration.

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