I’m back. Please, hold your applause, you’re too kind. And I’m too dead, but that’s beside the point.
So, to start things off, I’ve been in a near-constant state of overwhelm the past three weeks or so (my last three weeks of public school, as it happens, go me) for a number of reasons. First off, I’ve moved into a new room in our basement, tailor-made for me by my parents and their wonderful friends the Simmons (whom I cannot thank enough for their efforts and no, this is not the only recompense they’ll get from me). That in and of itself, while nice (I have my own TV and a sink) is also quite stressful. I have yet to completely finish unpacking and clearing everything up, but I’ll be able to do that this weekend, which I greatly look forward to.
Secondly, I’ve worked my tail off catching up on French assignments that were either past due or were end-of-term projects. That was quite difficult. On top of that I’ve recently started a Youtube channel and my work schedule has picked up now that I can deliver pizzas (one has to be 18 for insurance or liability or something of somesuch).
All this adds up to I feel like I could sleep for twenty-four hours straight, my brain is scrambled like someone stuck a gas-powered eggbeater through my ear and left it on overnight and my emotional controls are slipping HARD. Another couple of French assignments have turned up as missing and I’ve decided screw them. My grade is still passing, I’m still graduating, and I’M DONE putting up with all this…which is saying something – I’m extremely fried right now and so my parents’ insistence that I do the assignments didn’t go over terribly well, not least because the way they said things I felt like they implied I was lazy and good-for-nothing if I didn’t do them. That’s almost certainly an artifact of me taking things entirely too personally, which happens a lot, but between that and my refusal to do them simply because of the strain on my sanity, the house briefly became quite unpleasant.
Personally, I wish that I could have a sign to put up saying “TRY AGAIN LATER” or something. When I’m fried like this, or in a bad mood in general, I want people to leave me bloody well alone. I try and avoid conflict with others on general principle to keep from attempting to cave their face in should I lose my temper but when somebody just doesn’t let up and keeps pushing buttons, it’s absolute HELL. Yes, I realize that sometimes I’m going to put up with this, and yes, I’m also aware that my parents have limits too and are going to feel the need to lecture me at times. But that doesn’t mean to keep going after it in such a way that I start playing mental movies of my fist colliding with someone’s nose.
Now that I think about it, maybe they’re conditioning me. Perhaps my parents’ constantly riding me has helped me at work. With my parents constantly stretching my patience and emotional limits, they’ve become quite difficult for people to casually overrun. I’ve become notable both at school and at work for being next to impossible to get on the bad side of. Sure, I’ll get annoyed with you relatively quickly if you bump into me in the hallway or sing any version of “Let It Go” but the original (there’s a reason I’m the Frozen Fanboy Führer, folks) but I can’t hold a grudge. Heck, I can’t hold one against my parents. So I suppose it’s had long-term benefits, but at the same time I desperately wish it would stop. I feel like I’m constantly on a knife’s edge, especially since my parents will threaten to kick me out of the house (no longer an empty threat, since I’m eighteen) quite readily. At least it feels readily to me. The point is that feeling like I live in the Hoth asteroid field is not fun and I’m about losing my mind here. At least take a break.