Five Reasons Why I Don’t Drink

Recently I had a coworker invite me over to his house after work one night to get drunk. Initially I thought he was joking, but as far as I can tell (not very far, admittedly) he was entirely serious.

Naturally, this prompted me to refuse and supply five reasons to explain the refusal.

One, I’m eighteen. Therefore it’s illegal for me to drink anything with alcohol in it, and I’m somewhat anal about those laws that nobody else follows (*cough*TRAFFIC*cough*). So yeah. I’ve no desire to get in trouble with the law, and just because hundreds of people my age get away with it is no reason to go ahead and try it. For one thing, I’ve got four reasons left, and for another, even the risk of getting caught is just no. No.




Second reason: I hate alcohol. Back when my dad actually drank the stuff (usually in his softball dugout) I always HATED the smell of beer. Hated it. I still hate it. How can something that looks so much like apple juice smell like gasoline and cough syrup’s unholy bastard child? Plus, I once had a small drink of wine. It wasn’t my fault, the bloody church didn’t bother to point out it wasn’t grape juice, but it tasted like cough syrup and I nearly threw up afterward. I’ve since been assured by drinkers that church-supplied wine isn’t very good quality (which makes sense) but I still have no desire to repeat the experience.


Third reason: I need to sleep. I don’t quite understand why people will try and stay up until the wee hours of the morning – nothing of any particular interest is going on there. I mean, I hate sleeping – if I could do away with sleep I would, I’d love to have eight or nine extra hours with which to do what I want – but you still need it and you’re just shooting your biological clock in the face when you stay up to get drunk.


Fourth: I needed to go to church the next morning and I had no desire to do so with a hangover. Granted I’ve no idea what a hangover is like but it doesn’t sound particularly enjoyable from what I’ve read and I need my mental faculties at church to be functional so I can actually pay attention and at least pretend to learn something.


Fifth: Alcohol impairs one’s judgment. My judgment’s plenty bad enough, thanks, I don’t need to bloody well poison it as well. Suffice to say that I would be almost certain to end up with a Darwin award if I was supplied with enough alcohol. My friends keep quoting the line that I once said at the top of my voice: “I don’t need to be smart, I’m a genius!” Obviously I wasn’t being serious (I rarely am, in person) but it’s still a bit of a point. There’s a difference between smarts, intellect and wisdom. Look at Star Wars. It’s Han Solo, C-3PO and Obi-Wan respectively. I’m a bit like Threepio – plenty of knowledge (about mostly random and useless facts) but very little common sense with which to adjudicate my actions.


Anyway, five reasons to not do drugs (don’t kid yourself, alcohol is a drug.) If you’re eighteen and go to church, anyway. If not then there’s only three, but that ought to still suffice.


2 thoughts on “Five Reasons Why I Don’t Drink

  1. I’m with you on the smell: yuck! Seems all your reasons are good. I also appreciate your modesty and honesty.

  2. Mainstreamers seem to love alcohol as a way to get through their inhibitions and enjoy life without having to put too much actual effort in. I would say that as an AS person myself If I don’t agree with a law I don’t follow it, if you actually enjoyed alcohol why should the decision be made for you that you cannot drink until you’re 21, it is only 18 in the UK.
    There are so many petty controls put on our lives by authorities (and don’t forget they will be NT people in the main), that having an abolsute reverence for the law is abandoning your own autonomy as a person and your free spirit in this world. In reality we don’t need actual laws to tell us what is really right and wrong, we know it ourselves.

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