Little GTHO

Long time no read.

So…I see a lot of people talking about how Aspies really hate driving. As usual, this should be taken with a grain of – actually, just go get a salt shaker and chug it – since it won’t apply for everyone but I figured I’d give my opinion on driving, speaking as an Aspie and a pizza delivery guy.

It freaking sucks.

There’s no way to win at driving. In quite a lot of situations – video games are chief among them, I think – one can screw up without serious consequences. In my case, I can bull my way through social situations purely by sheer force of insanity. Driving…doesn’t work like that. If you screw up, you break a car, or a fence or a mailbox or a person or worse yet a CAT. And then you’re completely hosed. Just like that. Whatever happens, you’re paying for it and possibly losing your license or being criminally charged.

Consider once that I accidentally dented some guy’s car while parking next to it at my bible study group. Being a bible study group guy he was cool about it and all, and since I did think I had not a lot of room I was going all of maybe two feet per hour. Well, it turns out this tiny dent in the car costs $500 for a mechanic to fix. And to put icing on the cake, this was a buddy of his doing him a favor!

First of all, this guy needs new buddies because that is UTTERLY RIDICULOUS! Personally, I would have told the guy where he could stick his wrench and just left with a slightly dented car, but then again my car is also as old as I am and hasn’t seen a vacuum or car wash since I got it. Seriously, the bit where people’s feet go in the passenger seat? That is where random bits of paper and pop bottles go to die. So maybe I just don’t care since I’ve not got a nice car, but still…five HUNDRED dollars?

So if that infinitesimally small screwup can put me out five hundred big ones (and this was while I was saving every cent I had for a decent computer, so I was honked off beyond belief), I have to be constantly on guard against anything and everything that my car can so much as touch. The stakes are too high to allow anything else. As such, any time I’m driving around I’m under constant threat and therefore am more high-strung than I am normally, which is quite the achievement.

Next thing – when it comes to the stereotypical rules, I’m something of a rules Nazi. Drinking before 21? Not gonna happen. Sex before marriage? Nope. Smoking? Please. Speeding? Yeah, right. I drive the speed limit whenever I’m on the road, and I do not appreciate jerks tailgating me or otherwise trying to get me to move faster. Just because you can’t read the big boldface numbers doesn’t mean I have to pretend I don’t, deal with it and just pass me next time you have the chance.

Plus the jerks who drive like complete MANIACS or are just stupidly inconsiderate. I can never park in my driveway because my parents need both sides for their own cars. Typically I park across the cul-de-sac in front of a neighbor’s house. There’s room for two cars to park one behind the other. Except this COLOSSAL MORON leaves his pickup there smack in the middle of the spot. Like, if there were actual white lines there to separate the spots he’d be right the heck on top of the line. Seriously, get a freaking clue, you USELESS WASTE OF SPACE!

In case you couldn’t tell, I do actually do a lot of road raging. Not in the form of speeding and driving recklessly, I just scream obscenities and increasingly elaborate insults at my steering wheel.

Back to annoying jerkbags, we have also the people who sit in the right lane at red lights when they aren’t turning right (my home state allows cars to turn right on red if no other traffic is heading that way), thus blocking people (usually me on a pizza delivery) from getting anywhere in a timely fashion. And my new favorite as of school resuming, we have the inconsiderate college student who, rather than just cross the road during the all of about five YEARS with no cars, presses the button to change the traffic light and only THEN crosses, while me and about five other drivers consider pretending our breaks don’t work and run her over. My God, woman, you force traffic to a halt just so you can cross the street? And nobody else? HOW BIG IS YOUR EGO?!

Now for a big one – you can’t multitask while driving. I. Hate. That. It seems to me all my good ideas for my roleplaying site, things to do in a video game, things to do in real life, or things to post on this blog about only ever occur to me in my car when I cannot write them down or do anything. And I can’t even think about them long enough to really get them set in my memory – I’m too busy trying not to lose another five hundred dollars instantly.

Oh, and if you need to fix your car EVER, or even just change the oil or put air in the tires, you need to do about five hundred billion different things, all of which involve potentially burning yourself on hot bits of metal from the engine heat or sunlight, potentially crushing your fingers in things, discovering that you can in fact get grease on that part of your body, et cetera. It sucks. I hate having grease on my hands. I hate hate hate HATE IT!!!!!!!

Traffic lights and signs even get in on the action. They make me paranoid because they can do one of two things: they can get me out five hundred bucks for a violation of one when it’s in the stupidest place possible, or they make me insanely late for a delivery so I lose out on tip money. And tips make up a substantial portion of my income. I maintain that if it is possible to drive down a road and hit EVERY SINGLE RED LIGHT ON THAT ROAD, the Department of Transportation needs to have someone kick their behind up between their ears until they make the thing work. And, once, I delivered to a trailer park that was essentially a gigantic cul-de-sac. As I returned to the neck of the thing to get back to the main road, I see a sign telling me I just drove all the way around that thing the wrong way because apparently it’s one way.

…WHAT GOOD DOES THAT SIGN DO? Tell me when I bloody well turn into the thing, not when I leave! It’s basically saying “you could have got a ticket or an accident this whole time and you wouldn’t know why lol #yoloswag” It’s another reminder that while driving you also have this ENORMOUS external locus of control. You can do everything right, be Pizza Delivery Jesus, and all it takes is one other schmuck screwing up once at the wrong time and BOOM! You’re out five hundred bucks AT LEAST, possibly a car and in my case my bloody JOB, not to mention your ENTIRE LIFE! If this wasn’t freaking necessary for my survival I would swear off driving forever and never leave my bloody house, it’s a waking nightmare every second!


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